Unsaintly Behaviour

One of my favourite films of all time is The Saint, starring Val Kilmer and Elisabeth Shue.

Kilmer plays The Saint, an odd-jobbing spy and cat-burglar who vows to retire when his bank balance hits the magic £50million. Shue plays a sexy blonde American physicist, Dr Emma Russell, who makes a breakthrough in the field of cold fusion. The Saint sets out to bed Dr Russell in order to get the secret of cold fusion and boost his retirement fund.

Although panned by some critics as being a low-budget James Bond I genuinely enjoyed the film and it encouraged me to indulge in some "Saint-like" behaviour. Unlike The Saint, though, I would never break into a girl's flat to find out more about her. I shall limit my "stalking" to social-networking sites and listening attentively...

Needless to say, after having his wicked way with the lovely Dr Russell and stealing the cold fusion notes that she keeps in her bra The Saint is remorseful, subsequently falls in love and they go on the run from The Saint's dissatisfied customer who is more than slightly peeved that the "formula" for cold fusion doesn't quite work.

In the film Kilmer dons a variety of disguises and talks in various silly voices, one of my favourite characters is the artist/traveller from South Africa. In his second meeting with the lovely Dr Russell he asks the waiter for a bottle of 1957 Chateau La Tour. The waiter says "Are you aware, Sir, that it's £400 a bottle?". The Saint faces up to the waiter (who flinches, fearing a fight) and blithely says "In that case, we'll take two bottles" and produces a large amount of cash from his trousers. Of course, I always used to carry large amounts of cash around, back in the good old days when I had more money than sense.

So impressed was I with The Saint's seduction technique that I bought the same phone as him (a Nokia communicator) and went on an art course. I refuse, however to drive a Volvo. Occasionally I still drunkenly quote from the film and, yes, I am still promising myself that I'll retire when I have £50m in my Swiss bank account.